Prom was last night and it was good. I think... haha. Anyways. it was good but i only actually stayed at prom for about an hour or so. yeah... heh heh... i will start my story from the morning. :D


Anyways... i had to help umpire a 10u softball game. it was really fun. hte first time i ever did it too. And it was pretty great. And i thought i did a pretty good job. Then i went to misty's house and we just hung out for a bit and finially at like, 3:30 we started to get ready for prom. Of course... we took FOREVER and ended up being late for our dates... whoops. anyways. I had to go to scotts house so i drove there....

HE WAS SO CUTE IN HIS TUX! OMG. (maybe i shall get that one... thing... that i can... put pics up on here with...) anyways... SO ADORABLE! I felt very beautiful last night which was a kinda weird feeling for me to think of myself... i dunno. but yeah. He and i went and got pics taken at school. and then... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. we went back to his house and then finally brandon and tonya got there and we headed off. We got lost about a million times... *sigh* oh well i guess thats what makes it fun right?
so then after that we finally got to The Melting Pot and we didnt know that we had to make reservations... on weekends... so we had to leave but made a reservation for later that night. So we headed to the prom.. and got lost... *sigh* but we finalkly made it and it was ok. The place was huge! and it had like escalators and everything. hehe. then scott wanted to me to get a group picture with his friends. so i did. and that took FOREVER... omg and i like didnt know anyone of his friends except like, PineApple. but thats ok. It was kinda fun. then we went and said hi to a bunch of people and then we dance to one slow song and a few fast songs and stayed long enough to hear who was n the prom court. yeah and that wasnt that interesting. BLEGH. and dancesd to one more song and then i was starving so i started being bitchy and we left around 10:15 ish... and went to the melting pot. The food was so delicious.... OMG. it was liek the best ever. especially the desert.
by this time... my feet were.. OMG. ON FIRE!!!!! they were hurting so fucking bad it was the worst. but they were beautiful shoes so i just dealt with it. but i was complaining the whole time. then we drove back and i slept. Tonya and brandon just stayed over at scotts and they left in the morning. It was really fun and i really like tonya!
So bleghdjkrfhsidu 04-08-06 22:53
Anyways. today is Diana's birthday YAY. she is finally 18 what a relief!

Anyways... lately i kinda feel like i dont have a best friend. I miss that i cant just hang out with misty anymore... she has a boyfriend now and spends all her free time with him. I know that i have probably done the same to her. But she just doesnt seem like she minds. I miss her though. But im glad that she has a boyfriend. But then again. Its Weird.

So i had an allergic reaction to my lexapro... and that sucks. So my dr made me stop taking it. And i have to wait for this rash to go away before i can start something new. I wonder what i was allergic to...

I totally woke up this morning on the COMPLETE wrong side of the bed. I was in such a bad mood. Especially after scott woke me up and just like got up and everything. Not a good morning kiss or nuffin. I dont know but it made me want to just get the fuck out of his house.

I feel so out of the loop and uncertain about everything.
Doctors 03-31-06 12:39
I went to the Doctors today. It wasnt that bad i guess. I almost started crying while i was waiting for him. It took him a fucking HOUR to finally get to me! it was intense! Anyways... i told him about a tummy ache that i keep having and he gave me some samples and like... then i talked to him about the depression stuffes... and it wasnt as bad as I thought, but i thought i was going to cry while i was talking about it. woosh. I feel better that i talked to him. So yeah.. and he gave me three weeks worth of meds... but im going back in... in two weeks... for him to check up on my tummy... and yeah... to check up on me. Woosh.
Wow im good. 04-01-06 15:10
ahha Double post... woooo
Doctor 03-30-06 21:19
Tomorrow.

I am going to talk to the doctor about depression...

*inhale*

I dont know what to say... or how to express anything...

.... yeah ....
So everything that was before this... like... suddenly dissapeared from my IM convo... so... you only get the rest of it... if you actually feel like reading it.

------ng me so hardcore
CrayolaFreak7 [11:21 PM]: you didnt face me very often
CrayolaFreak7 [11:21 PM]: and you didnt lookinto my eyes that long.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:22 PM]: Do youthink that i am forcing you to lie to me? if you are?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:22 PM]: your mom said that too
CrayolaFreak7 [11:22 PM]: i know you said i shoudl listen to anyting that she says
CrayolaFreak7 [11:22 PM]: but it keep replaying
CrayolaFreak7 [11:22 PM]: keeps
Crack Kills Cows [11:23 PM]: I do NOT. I mean, sure I get it FOR jason, from my mom (thats why she thinks i smoke). and that night, ireally dont know. I was in the dark for hours, and that could be why my eyes were big. my breathe smelt, possibly from being around the smoke. Other that, i cant explain.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:23 PM]: Why do you get it for them? They have money, arms legs and a brain youd otn need to get it for them
Crack Kills Cows [11:23 PM]: and as far, as thinking about it, I admit i have had urges every now and then, but ive resisted the offers and temptations.
Crack Kills Cows [11:24 PM]: my mom doesnt trust them.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: the dark thing i dont know... i mean... i dotn know.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: Im sure it doesn thelp when they do it around you. And like yoru mom asking you to get it for her.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: God... Dumb
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: Your family
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: Fucked
Crack Kills Cows [11:24 PM]: Welcome to my life.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:24 PM]: You dad though. i have to admit i LOVE your dad.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:25 PM]: I wish he was mine
CrayolaFreak7 [11:25 PM]: Ive been in yoru life but its not liek YOU have to do that thing.
Crack Kills Cows [11:25 PM]: Hey you know what I wish would happen
CrayolaFreak7 [11:25 PM]: Like get it for them
CrayolaFreak7 [11:25 PM]: Jason is Steves friend too
Crack Kills Cows [11:25 PM]: the thing is, I dont mind.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:25 PM]: that because you still want it
Crack Kills Cows [11:25 PM]: no, its not
CrayolaFreak7 [11:26 PM]: You want to be connected SOMEhow
Crack Kills Cows [11:26 PM]: nope
CrayolaFreak7 [11:26 PM]: Then stop?
Crack Kills Cows [11:26 PM]: stop getting it for them?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:26 PM]: yeah?
Crack Kills Cows [11:26 PM]: why?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:26 PM]: i dotn dsee why you have to
CrayolaFreak7 [11:26 PM]: If you stopped getting it for her maybe she would think that you actually stopped
Crack Kills Cows [11:27 PM]: I dont have to, i just do.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:27 PM]: You know after talking to your mom and the way that she was talking to you after i went in the bathroom and like, the wya you asked me if i wanted to go for a walk i thought it was over last night
CrayolaFreak7 [11:27 PM]: Why do you?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:27 PM]: Why?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:27 PM]: Whats the point your not getting anytign out of it.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:28 PM]: Your providing for toher peoples illegal bad habits.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:28 PM]: other*
Crack Kills Cows [11:28 PM]: im aware
Crack Kills Cows [11:29 PM]: can i ask you a question.
Crack Kills Cows [11:29 PM]: a serious one.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:29 PM]: i know it hasnt happened yet. But what if on your way back from steves house there was a cop and he decided to search you, because they can do that. Considering they have been to steves house enough times... and you get introuble for them. is it really worth it?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:29 PM]: Yes.
Crack Kills Cows [11:29 PM]: lol, i dont get it from steve.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: whatever. Where ever the fuck you get it does it really matter. Same instance.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: different place.
Crack Kills Cows [11:30 PM]: my mom gives it to me, to give to them.
Crack Kills Cows [11:30 PM]: lol
Crack Kills Cows [11:30 PM]: anyway
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: its so STUPID
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: whats the question?
Crack Kills Cows [11:30 PM]: Do you still want to be with me?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: i do so bad.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:30 PM]: But i dont think that you think enough
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: maybe you just dont think the same as i do
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: you def. dont have the same morals as i do.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: its just like, i dotn know.
Crack Kills Cows [11:31 PM]: yeah.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: I want to be with you so bad

CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: i tell you all these things like how dumb this all is. So that your not gone from me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: i dont want you to dissapear.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:31 PM]: this is all so dumb.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: If you quit pot. You shoudl be away from it completly
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: In my opinion
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: It ruined my life and i havent even done it that much
Crack Kills Cows [11:32 PM]: yeah, i know.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: and i dont do it and somehow its STILL Ruining
Crack Kills Cows [11:32 PM]: how is it STILL ruining
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: this
CrayolaFreak7 [11:32 PM]: this is ruining me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: im paranoid.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: I cant think of anything besides... what has happened.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: im so afraid of being lied to that... im just a mess...
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: im practically schito
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: schitzo
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: *
CrayolaFreak7 [11:33 PM]: or however you spell it*
Crack Kills Cows [11:33 PM]: schizophrenic.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:34 PM]: whatvever.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:34 PM]: now relaly sint the time to be correcting me.. 8sigh*
Crack Kills Cows [11:34 PM]: I just dont understand how it can haunt you. so badly
CrayolaFreak7 [11:34 PM]: because its ALWAYS there.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:34 PM]: Why i fell in love with you while you were a pot head i dont know.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:34 PM]: But i still love you. I lov eyou so much more every day
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: Ive been lied to. Youve lied to me about it once before.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: a long time ago but that haunts me too
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: what lie was that?
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: oh
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: Nvm
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: ....
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: why? id otn know... youve done it once... alot of the itme people dont learn after one time.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: Do you really know?
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: yes.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: can you tell me?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:35 PM]: please
Crack Kills Cows [11:35 PM]: when i smoked pot outside.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:36 PM]: *nods* yeah
Crack Kills Cows [11:36 PM]: hey, did that totally make you feel better
Crack Kills Cows [11:36 PM]: bc now i wanna kill myself
CrayolaFreak7 [11:36 PM]: i wanted to know if it was the same thing.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:36 PM]: cause if it were different i would have died just now.
Crack Kills Cows [11:37 PM]: do you think that your lie still haunts me?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:37 PM]: But like, i put so much trust and heart and love into the relationship that im in... Im so devestated when things go wrong.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:37 PM]: No.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:37 PM]: i dont actually
Crack Kills Cows [11:37 PM]: your wrong
CrayolaFreak7 [11:37 PM]: But im sure it does now that you brought it up
CrayolaFreak7 [11:37 PM]: But you can tell if i cut myself.
Crack Kills Cows [11:38 PM]: every time, i see a scar on your body
Crack Kills Cows [11:38 PM]: its gonna remind me
Crack Kills Cows [11:38 PM]: and for some reason, ive had vibes that you have been doing it.
Crack Kills Cows [11:38 PM]: and I realy dont know what to hink
CrayolaFreak7 [11:38 PM]: LAtely?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: You can inspect my whole body. I havent even thought about it.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: I havent even had the urge
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: since that time.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: When you got sad
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: because i did
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: i dont want to.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: I dont want to make you that sad ever
CrayolaFreak7 [11:39 PM]: I dont want you to distrust me.
Crack Kills Cows [11:40 PM]: i almost dumped you
Crack Kills Cows [11:40 PM]: l tht close
CrayolaFreak7 [11:40 PM]: i know.
Crack Kills Cows [11:40 PM]: what space? exactly.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:40 PM]: i know.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:41 PM]: Im really happy that you didnt.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:41 PM]: I would have tried anything to get u back if you did though
CrayolaFreak7 [11:41 PM]: anything
CrayolaFreak7 [11:42 PM]: Do get that?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:42 PM]: I would do anything. Anything to get you back
Crack Kills Cows [11:42 PM]: i get that.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:43 PM]: Maybe, i do... love you too much./
CrayolaFreak7 [11:43 PM]: ?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:43 PM]: *
Crack Kills Cows [11:44 PM]: no, you just worry way to much
Crack Kills Cows [11:44 PM]: and it fucking ruins me
Crack Kills Cows [11:44 PM]: bc i feel like a genie stuck in a lamp
CrayolaFreak7 [11:44 PM]: what do you mean?
Crack Kills Cows [11:45 PM]: i dont know, like, i cant explain it
Crack Kills Cows [11:45 PM]: im afraid.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:45 PM]: then why did you use that analigy?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:45 PM]: Afraid of what?
Crack Kills Cows [11:45 PM]: your rejection.
Crack Kills Cows [11:45 PM]: bc, i turned my life in a complete 180 to be with you
Crack Kills Cows [11:46 PM]: and everytime I try to turn back , I seem to get smited
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: Im afraid that you are going to do something that i will have to reject u for
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: what do you mean to turn back
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: what is there...
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: do you think you need to smoke pot again?
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: i know it seems like i care. but i dont care if you hang out with your friend.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: i know... something... aways...
CrayolaFreak7 [11:46 PM]: Im just...a fraid too
Crack Kills Cows [11:47 PM]: everytime I try to be myself, you get annoyed, everytime I wanna hang by myself, you seem to get mad, everytime I hang with a friend, you freak out, Everytime I DONT answer an IM, you freak out,
CrayolaFreak7 [11:48 PM]: i freak out when you dont answer an im because i dont understand why you wouldnt. I guess im used to you hanging out with me and dont understand why you want to changet hat.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:48 PM]: I keep thinking that you want to marry me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:48 PM]: and if were married. were going to be together a whole lot more than this.
Crack Kills Cows [11:49 PM]: dude, im, fucking 16.
Crack Kills Cows [11:49 PM]: you HAVE to remember this
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: YOU said it.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: You said it today
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: You say it at least once every two weeks
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: I know your 16
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: Yes i do keep forgetting that.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:49 PM]: Im 18
CrayolaFreak7 [11:50 PM]: I forget that too
Crack Kills Cows [11:50 PM]: mhm.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:50 PM]: Im sorry
CrayolaFreak7 [11:50 PM]: thast all i can say
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: Its fine.
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: just. like, chill out.
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: You do know whats gonna happen on friday. right?
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: when you go to the doctor.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:51 PM]: I feel bad. that. your with me. Right now. i feel like, ...
CrayolaFreak7 [11:51 PM]: what?
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: Your gonna get the coolest fucking MEDICINE EVER!
Crack Kills Cows [11:51 PM]: PAXIL!
CrayolaFreak7 [11:52 PM]: if he actually think that there is something wrong with me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:52 PM]: I never really know when im happy or sad.
Crack Kills Cows [11:52 PM]: lol. if i was a doctor, that just read this IM. i would give you 100000mg pills of it. *no offense*
CrayolaFreak7 [11:52 PM]: Ive been pretending at school for so long.
Crack Kills Cows [11:52 PM]: pretended what?
Crack Kills Cows [11:52 PM]: if you say
CrayolaFreak7 [11:52 PM]: im only happy when things are my way, and when im with you.
Crack Kills Cows [11:52 PM]: what i think yoru gonna say
CrayolaFreak7 [11:53 PM]: I know it doesnt seem like it. But, your perfect for me.
Crack Kills Cows [11:53 PM]: what are you pretending.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:53 PM]: You dont get like... yelly hardly ever. im sure you would have if we were arguing face to face today... but like,
CrayolaFreak7 [11:54 PM]: like nothing is wrong in my life.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:54 PM]: Like im happy.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:54 PM]: that my parents arent druggies.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:54 PM]: that i didnt cut myself.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:54 PM]: that no one lies to me.
Crack Kills Cows [11:55 PM]: i really dont know what to say.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:55 PM]: that my life has been good. Im not poor. Im doing perfectly fine. Like i dont care what people think about me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:56 PM]: But, im sure you know the real me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:56 PM]: I dont think misty knows this me.
Crack Kills Cows [11:56 PM]: the sad thing is, I dont know the real you.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:57 PM]: yeah you do.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:57 PM]: dont you?
Crack Kills Cows [11:57 PM]: im not..sure..
CrayolaFreak7 [11:57 PM]: if you dont know the real me then i dont know the real me.
CrayolaFreak7 [11:57 PM]: and what you know, im pretty sure is the real me.
Crack Kills Cows [11:58 PM]: :/
CrayolaFreak7 [11:58 PM]: What should i tell the Dr.?
Crack Kills Cows [11:59 PM]: if he were to ask me, i would tell him, she's depressed, and she has a anxiety disorder,
Crack Kills Cows [11:59 PM]: and minor schizophrenia
CrayolaFreak7 [12:00 AM]: doesnt that qualify as crazy?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:00 AM]: Schizophrenia?
Crack Kills Cows [12:00 AM]: bc, if what you said, just now, is true, i really dont know what to say, at all.
Crack Kills Cows [12:00 AM]: i wanna cry
Crack Kills Cows [12:00 AM]: thats all.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:00 AM]: which part?
Crack Kills Cows [12:00 AM]: EVERYTHING
Crack Kills Cows [12:00 AM]: CrayolaFreak7: I know it doesnt seem like it. But, your perfect for me.
Crack Kills Cows: what are you pretending.
CrayolaFreak7: You dont get like... yelly hardly ever. im sure you would have if we were arguing face to face today... but like,
CrayolaFreak7: like nothing is wrong in my life.
CrayolaFreak7: Like im happy.
CrayolaFreak7: that my parents arent druggies.
CrayolaFreak7: that i didnt cut myself.
CrayolaFreak7: that no one lies to me.
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: if you pretend all those, what else could you be pretending?
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: are you pretending to love me?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: no
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: are you pretending to be happy with me?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: no
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: are you pretending to laugh?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: i know what im pretending
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: no
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: well I dont.
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: you think your crazy
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: I told that, im happy with you. you are liek the only person im happy with all the time.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:01 AM]: So, i get sad when you dont want to be around me.
Crack Kills Cows [12:01 AM]: but, your crazy, what if your pretending?
Crack Kills Cows [12:02 AM]: and dont realize it.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:02 AM]: Because i want is to like, be with you.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:02 AM]: all i want*
CrayolaFreak7 [12:02 AM]: I know what love feels like.
Crack Kills Cows [12:02 AM]: Yeah, I do too.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:03 AM]: Its the feeling that if you die. then i will too. Maybe not on the outside but on the inside. If you leave me. Its like, my heart isnt there... Im empty
CrayolaFreak7 [12:03 AM]: thats how i feel now.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:03 AM]: And nowi feel like, your making me question myself.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:04 AM]: you shoudl tell the dr. that im co dependant too.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:04 AM]: if you could
CrayolaFreak7 [12:05 AM]: cause i already know that.
Crack Kills Cows [12:05 AM]: yeah.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:05 AM]: I feel empty right now.
Crack Kills Cows [12:05 AM]: I feel like I dont know you.
Crack Kills Cows [12:06 AM]: and I dont like it.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:06 AM]: i dont think that you should feel that way
Crack Kills Cows [12:07 AM]: but, you're crazy
CrayolaFreak7 [12:07 AM]: my rents are druggies my dad does everything except for meth. Im more responsible than my mom.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:07 AM]: stop telling me im crazy.
Crack Kills Cows [12:07 AM]: you said you are though.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:07 AM]: you said it.
Crack Kills Cows [12:07 AM]: and, its devistated me.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:08 AM]: I said it as a smart ass
Crack Kills Cows [12:08 AM]: oh.
Crack Kills Cows [12:08 AM]: well I took it seriously
Crack Kills Cows [12:08 AM]: now im fucking pissed.
Crack Kills Cows [12:08 AM]: dont fucking do that shit
Crack Kills Cows [12:09 AM]: fuck
CrayolaFreak7 [12:09 AM]: not liek you dont do that all the time?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:09 AM]: you took it seriously when i frist said it?
Crack Kills Cows [12:09 AM]: Not that shit
Crack Kills Cows [12:09 AM]: omfg
Crack Kills Cows [12:09 AM]: I dont think yuo realize, how serious I took it.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:10 AM]: when i said something along the lines of... Its driveing me so crasy im practically schitzo
Crack Kills Cows [12:10 AM]: this is worse the the lie.
Crack Kills Cows [12:10 AM]: I dont even know
Crack Kills Cows [12:10 AM]: i really dont know
CrayolaFreak7 [12:10 AM]: i dont even know what your going on about anymoer.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:10 AM]: The first time i said i was practically schitzo. but you said that you would say to the dr. that i had minor schitzophrenia
Crack Kills Cows [12:11 AM]: yeah.
Crack Kills Cows [12:11 AM]: bc thats what you said
CrayolaFreak7 [12:11 AM]: and i asked if that would qualify me as crazy
Crack Kills Cows [12:11 AM]: it would
CrayolaFreak7 [12:11 AM]: Then if you think i am... am i ?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: cause i fi really am i wouldnt be able to diagnose myself.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: but i dont think i am.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: maybe. i am. Now im really confused.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: i wish you were coming with me to the dr.
Crack Kills Cows [12:12 AM]: your not, but. you dont realize, how badly that damaged me
Crack Kills Cows [12:12 AM]: i cried
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: Ive been crying this whole time.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:12 AM]: i know its different for you to cry abotu me.
Crack Kills Cows [12:12 AM]: and you can still type so well?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: yes.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: I can type cry and not look at the keyboard or somputer sceen
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: I just read what you say
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: otherwise especially this time im staring above the window..
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: computer*
CrayolaFreak7 [12:13 AM]: and i have been messing up
CrayolaFreak7 [12:14 AM]: ... i probably just dont correct myself.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:14 AM]: im sorry i made you cry
CrayolaFreak7 [12:14 AM]: i know its not the same as a real apology.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:15 AM]: ?
Crack Kills Cows [12:15 AM]: fuck. sorry
CrayolaFreak7 [12:15 AM]: its ok.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:15 AM]: I just stopped breathing thats all
CrayolaFreak7 [12:16 AM]: its alright.
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: sometimes. aim just randomly closes
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: FYUCLASFAFUAFYUADFAFLAF
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: AF
AF
AF

Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: FUCK THE WORLD
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: kk
CrayolaFreak7 [12:16 AM]: i feel better getting that all off of my chest...
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: anyway
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: hey. same here :-)
CrayolaFreak7 [12:16 AM]: im sorry... that you dotn feel that you shoudl have been the one it was too?
Crack Kills Cows [12:16 AM]: i gotta potty :x
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: I think were both sorry
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: I think we both love each other
CrayolaFreak7 [12:17 AM]: please hurry
CrayolaFreak7 [12:17 AM]: i lov eyou so much
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: I think we both should go to bed, bc i have a HGUE head ache.
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: my comp is restarting
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: wtf
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: why
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: wow just closed
CrayolaFreak7 [12:17 AM]: Im crying now thinking about how much i love you.
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: and myspace
CrayolaFreak7 [12:17 AM]: I love you so much.
Crack Kills Cows [12:17 AM]: <3 you
CrayolaFreak7 [12:18 AM]: k go pee kk?
Crack Kills Cows [12:18 AM]: i wanna go to sleep
Crack Kills Cows [12:18 AM]: my head hurts
Crack Kills Cows [12:18 AM]: bad
Crack Kills Cows [12:19 AM]: k?
Crack Kills Cows [12:19 AM]: ad?
Crack Kills Cows [12:20 AM]: AD?
Crack Kills Cows [12:20 AM]: FINE!!
CrayolaFreak7 [12:21 AM]: sorry i was talking to my mom
CrayolaFreak7 [12:22 AM]: You can go to bed.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:22 AM]: I tried to tell my mom that i think i have depression
CrayolaFreak7 [12:22 AM]: but she just thinks that im a hypochondriac
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: aww
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: maybe :-)
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: i dunno
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: but ill talk to u tomorrow?
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: k?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:22 AM]: And how would the dr believe me if my mom doesnt ?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:22 AM]: alright.
Crack Kills Cows [12:22 AM]: hes a dr
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: Ill call you when at like9:45 ish
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: ten
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: When i get to Gresham
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: UNLESS
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: You POSSIBLY want me to come over quickly
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: in the morning?
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: I fyoud otn that ok
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: if you dotn*
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: thats ok*
CrayolaFreak7 [12:23 AM]: dont*
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: ill be sleeping
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: but ill C
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: k?
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: :-)
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: call me
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: still
CrayolaFreak7 [12:24 AM]: at what time.
Crack Kills Cows [12:24 AM]: <3
CrayolaFreak7 [12:24 AM]: wait. is your mom going to be there.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:24 AM]: IF she is then ill just wait to call til 9:45
CrayolaFreak7 [12:24 AM]: and like, not come over in the morning
Crack Kills Cows [12:25 AM]: kk
Crack Kills Cows [12:25 AM]: im not sur
CrayolaFreak7 [12:25 AM]: so...
CrayolaFreak7 [12:26 AM]: Should i call like... 5 min before your house?
Crack Kills Cows [12:27 AM]: yeah
CrayolaFreak7 [12:27 AM]: thats what ill do. Ill let you go now. Go to sleep. Try to sleep well make that headache go away
Crack Kills Cows [12:27 AM]: sorry, i hit enter, and it didnt go
CrayolaFreak7 [12:28 AM]: its ok.
Crack Kills Cows [12:28 AM]: I lov eyou
CrayolaFreak7 [12:28 AM]: I love you so much.
Crack Kills Cows [12:28 AM]: kk
Crack Kills Cows [12:28 AM]: sweet dreams,
Crack Kills Cows [12:28 AM]: G'night.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:28 AM]: You too.
CrayolaFreak7 [12:28 AM]: G'night-----------------

I tried talking to my mom... she doesnt believe in depression. And I'd liek to say that i dont either. But, im sad... and have been for... what? Like... 4months... My mom just doesnt want to admit that there could eb soemthign wrong with her perfect fucking kid... that she hasnt managed to fuck up... or has she?? Whats wrong with me?
Spring Break? 03-28-06 23:17
Spring break is here? Jesus... it doesnt even seem like it. I mean, i know its really here... but like, It doesnt feel any different than it would if i were going to school... Just that, the days are longer.

So thursday is My day. Im spending the night at scotts house though, tomorrow. So i will leave, and if no one.. decides that they want to do anything with me. Im going to call teresa and see if she would like some help at the productions office at school. When i told her that i thought maybe i would help her over this break she seemed... kinda... astounded... i think that i sthe right word. But, maybe, she was just touched? i dont know.

So just now i completly verbally exploded all over my boyfriend... i think now he knows what has been wrong with me all this time...
Hate 03-22-06 14:04
I hate that my boyfriend didnt come and say hi to me. Although he was in MY FUCKING class. I just, ugh, i dont know. He has just been making me want to cry. I seriously wanted to punch him in the face this morning, before school started.

I want to kill everyone. IM not joking. EVERYONE
Emotional Message 03-18-06 23:40
"when your near me, im happy. I don't want you to ever think that im bored or anything around you. you are what i live for. to make happy, smile. laugh. everything you do (to me) makes me happy and realize how good i have it.

today. on the bed. was cool. i like it when u tickle me. and make me laugh. i like. EVERYTHING you do. so don't ever think your doing wrong, because everything you do makes me happy and is just...so right and perfect. its almost hard to describe it.

i love you more then anyone. i dont know what would happen if i lost you. sometimes i try to think about life without you. and i just cant picture it

really you're so great.

<3. i love you

--Ba"
___________________________________________

Do you remember saying those things?

I miss it.




I love you so much. It feels as if things have gotten more complicated. Its a real awkward feeling for me.

Why do we fight? I wonder. Well, sure, there are alot of things. But, i dont know. Why do i feel sick when i think about you potentially lying to me? Or when you smile at another girl? I know, i shouldnt feel those things, Jealousy, Fear, Distrust. They come and sneak up on me. Its like, the back of my brain is just waiting for you to fail.

Its a horrid thing, my mind. My heart is wanting, waiting for, loving, you. My heart and soul wants you to be there with me forever, i dont want you to fail. I always want to be with you, yet, i get annoyed after a while, with the sarcasm, and the teasing, and the random rude comments, and not answering me truthfully. I dont, want, it.

I love you so much though, Im willing to go through this agony, just to be with you. I love you like there is no tomorrow. Like maybe there is a chance of me losing you, in anyway, i want you to know that if you had gone somehow, died or something. I would want your last day to be with me, so that when you go, you would know that, i was there, i love you like no other. I love your hair, your face, your eyes, your body, you. I love being around you. I dont feel as though i am myself without you there by my side.

I told you the other day, that, its going to be harder, being with me. And that i have completly given you my heart. i want to be with you forever. I want you forever. I dont want these negative thoughts anymore. I really do want them to go away. Why are they there? I have so much distrust. And i shouldnt. I just get so worried. So scared, so fearful. The thought, of losing you is lingering at the nape of my neck, making my hairs stand on end.

Then i think about us, i think about, us being together, living together. Getting married. And my heart feels lighter and my days get brighter. Because everyday, is closer to when we can be together for yet another day. Another day, to where we can do all the things that we want to do in our life, we can love differently, and live differently. We can be on our own, to have only responsibility for eachother. And be completly and udderly in love. More so than we are now. I know there is more love hidden in me to give and i want you to have it. So, here it is. My love for you is like no other. There is no greater power than the feelings that we feel for eachother. If we can keep it.

I want to write more.

I love waking up to you in the morning.

I love you now, i will love you forever. Even when you dont love me anymore, or you happen to be underground. I will love you til the day that i die.

Personally, I kinda feel, that... we are pretty much. Married.

I love you.

Adrienne Rose.
---------------------------


I know, im 18. But, i love being in love, yes its a challenge. But, LIFE is challenge. Love isnt perfect, and love doesnt love perfect. Although i do.

I know my boyfriend isnt perfect, but in my heart, he is. I know, im not perfect, but he used to think i was. He might still. But there have been things that could have changed his mind.

I really love this kid. though. I realize that i have said that about a handful of people. But, every love i have been blessed with has been different.

This love has been an 8.5 out of ten. ten being perfect. and compared to the few others. That is really wonderful. I may be grading really hard. But, i dont have many to compare to.

Yes its 11:30. But i feel more insiteful when i am a bit tired. I think about things in a different perspective. Yes its easier to get upset when your sleepy, but, its also easier to let all of what you need to say, flow freely. It gives me less time to think about what im saying and i actually say what i mean, instead of sugar coating it.

Anyways. Im off.
So 03-18-06 13:05
In the last two days i have officially spent over 120$ yeah, and im trying to SAVE money, godfucking damnit.

Anyways. I didtn really spend it friviously, Only... 13$x3. That was the only friviolous thing i spent it on. But, then i had to buy a water pump for my truck. 40$ and a tire for my truck. 35$ and three gallons of antifreeze 10.99 x 3... *sigh* and then guess what i get to do this coming weekend? OLCC 5 hour fucking class. 53$ and another temporary permit 23$. IM never going to be able to move out.

Im was having a good day, but now im in a bad mood. Aww well. I'll get over it. liek i do all the time. It may take a while though. I kinda feel sick. Ive had a headache for like the past three days. Ditched school thursday and friday. I just didnt want to go. Senioritis is kicking in full throttle.

all in all. Went bowling last night. thats what i spent. *thinks* 39$ on. yeah. but, its totally worth it. I wont be able to go next week. I have to go to the class at ten thirty am. Speaking of the class. I have to like, find out where the fuck it is. later.
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